comin back to california

“the man who walks into the wilderness is exposed indeed. he leaves behind his work, his household, his duties, his comforts — even, if he comes alone, his words. he immerses himself in what he is not. it is a kind of death.” - Wendell Berry

we all left behind a lot of comforts to be here for this next season...our homes, our families, our walls, our doggos...but specifically this week - our right to choose...

and some how returned as a team.

the wilderness gave us the space to be dismantled and then built back up.

at the beginning, I found myself striving again. scratching towards perfection and coming up short. I wanted to be appreciated. I wanted to be trusted and capable and seen. it may not have been evident to those around me...but a war was waging in my mind.

I forgot who all this was for. I forgot who I was supposed to be. I forgot to be still again...

but there was a shift on day three. the sun rose with blinding intensity over the hills...the sky melted into the ocean, perfectly hiding the horizon line in the west. I woke up to the familiar aches that come from a heavy pack...the day felt new.

as the the morning light unfolded, the Lord reminded me to look up. to look out past myself...to the endless horizon and remember that it was all Him.

“...it is a kind of death”...... a death to self??

this probably wasn’t Wendell Berry’s intention behind the narrative, yet all I could think about was matthew 16, Jesus tells his disciples...”if anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me, for whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it”

“exposed indeed” ... to deny self and submit to authority. we spent a whole week “denying” ourselves for the purpose of being equipped to serve our student community as best as possible. but I think the Lord is calling us to more...

because it’s never been about us. it’s not about our sacrifices or our talents or failures. it’s not even about the wilderness.

it’s just Jesus. it’s loving well and learning how to “die daily”.

// so grateful for this crew and the many sweaty days of serving our school ahead.