the end of california

Journal 05.17.22 //

Chin numb and braids knotted. I lost four little wise bones today. At this very moment, I kinda wish they were still around so I could figure out where my lips are. It would be nice to drink tea without spilling it all over my sister’s well-loved looney toons t-shirt. Alas, here I am on my mother’s zebra-striped blankets, watching little women for the 1000th time, being forced to rest. 

A few weeks ago, the California chapter of my life came to close. It is a strange thing to finally get to the end of a goal you’ve been working towards for so long. The other side of it feels a bit jarring. No one really seems to have the secret map to navigating the space between the celebration subsiding and this new life of planting roots. For me, this space is currently clogged with long drives up and down highway 35, painkillers that make my head spin and more messy family dynamics. But in the midst of all that, I figured it was time to attempt logging some thoughts about the strangeness of this transition…

It has finally begun to dawn on me how my life is very different since the last time I was in my home state. Senior year of college is the most confusing, exciting, sorta sad seasons of life that everyone seems to know how to gracefully exist in on the outside but in reality, we are all freaking out on the inside. 

The final stretch of it was a wild whirlwind of transitions, big finish lines and bittersweet goodbyes that I haven’t really acknowledged yet. I finished a project that took me two years to complete. The investment and weight of that work was unparalleled to anything I had done before in pretty much all aspects. It was about family and sacrifice and revival… I watched the Lord put it together and unfold a narrative only He could’ve woven through my hands. It was an honor to treasure that story and then give it back to the Kingdom. 

I crouched behind a trashcan at the beach for a good while to capture my beloved roommate say yes to her man has the ocean danced behind them. We jumped out of hiding places and squealed with excitement. Some of the best days of our human experience are the ones when big life things shift from a dream to reality…those kind of dreams-coming-true smiles are ones you never forget.

Outdoor rec staff had one last campfire hangout, it didn’t feel like the end yet. No one on the outdoor crew really knows how to say goodbye so we just didn’t really say it. We ate dinner all together and laughed at stories from trips, like we always do. We honored each other’s hard work. Kayla honored us in big ways. But it still didn’t sink in.

CBU Photo finally had our spring show! Shipping containers, tacos, art and people that love art…the best things we could think of to combine for our epic showcase. It was surreal to watch it all come to life…to watch worlds and cultures mesh together in that space…Raymond’s skaters, my Bandera crew, David’s fashion friends…. friends and family of all. We had declared war on command strips, overcome the obstacles of a global pandemic and the challenges of figuring out what stories to share and how to share them…..all that editing, late studio hours and seas of 4x6 prints coming into fruition. Just like any finish line, it was a beautiful blur of bittersweet excitement. I want to go back and high five everyone all over again. 

I taught a few country boys how to surf. It was an overcast day at Doheny. Waves weren’t the most consistent. But we went out anyways. Noah’s face after he caught his first wave will burn in my mind forever I’m sure. It was one of those pure moments that I wanted so badly to capture but just had to fully embrace as it was unfolding. The ocean made us like children again. Laughing at our own clumsy attempts to ride waves or even stay on a board. Squealing as strange textures grazed our heals. Submerging ourselves in the whole experience of the ocean’s dynamic power and grace. I could sense God’s smile drenching our hearts as we lost track of time in His creation. 

Graduation day snuck up so quick. We were frantically packing up our apartment in between make-up and hair-curling. Myah and I walked arm-in-arm in our goofy blue robes across campus together one last time. At check in, Kayla found me with a bear hug and a wide smile. The whole photo crew sat together. The same awkward crew that hid behind big-ol Mac monitors in the camera class freshman year ended up becoming a pretty stellar team. I was so proud to walk beside them. Another bittersweet finish line……

We all met up at the shipping containers. Kern was chillin in his lawn chair that had become office hours drinkin coke...a truly welcoming sight. Before most dispersed, the Lord told me to pray over the whole crew before saying goodbye. So I did. I really don’t remember what I said…but I couldn’t walk away without acknowledging that He got us to that moment…together. As soon I as I turned around to walk back home, I burst into tears. I didn’t expect it to happen that soon, but I broke…even though sometimes I wish those friendships could’ve been deeper, I just love them a whole lot. 

The fam wanted to take me out to dinner. So a very unlikely circle of some of my favorite people sat together and shared sweet conversation. They showered me with silly cards and yummy deserts but simply being together…watching more of my little worlds collide…was one of the best gifts ever. The day ended with more tough goodbyes. 

The next morning, the roommates and I grabbed breakfast together one last time. Then Amber and I loaded up the truck and headed for the desert. Just like that, California and that whole chapter of life was behind me……(more about the last traverse soon…)

I’m still not sure how to acknowledge the end of something so big and the beginning of something else…what are you supposed to do with those life victories? Why does one day signify the end of so much at once? I don’t know how to transition well. I believe that I finished as well as I could have……but how does one even measure that? Since returning to my home state, I have driven across the state three times already (one more at the end of the week). My belongings are still in piles in my room. I feel slightly homeless and a bit discouraged that I haven’t done more….but I also realize those thoughts could be from the pain meds and stir craziness in my body. 

God - What does it look like? How do I do this? Am I waisting my time? 

I want to be home. But then what is next? What do I do with this in-between space you’ve given me?

….. for now, I will do the only thing I know - just keep trusting…