21 // some birthday thoughts
daaaang 21...whatta wild number...
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the end of June always initiates the space for reflection. we (my mom and I) always remind ourselves how blessed we are to be alive...that there’s a reason to celebrate every single day. but today had me thinkin back to last summer....for those who don’t know, I entered my second decade of life in a bit of chaos...
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To make a long story- short, I ended up in the hospital for a severe case of strep that had pulled me off the river and into an emergency surgery to open up my airway. It was one of those experiences that is hard to fully comprehend till much later. The whole thing was a whirlwind of forging through immense pain in the midst of some scary unknowns while still attempting to do my job well. I will readily admit that I had reached new levels of stubbornness. I hated needing help. I hated letting down my friends / coguides / campers. I hated feeling betrayed by my own body.
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To be completely honest/ real: I don’t think I’ve ever been in a state of such of physical desperation before. I couldn’t control anything that was happening to me no matter how hard I tried. I woke up gasping for air multiple times in the middle of the wilderness just praying God would get me through the night. And he did. (He even provided the sweetest river doggo to cuddle with me in my boat during one of those nights…but thats another story haha…) I cried hard as we pushed through the flutes (tough 6 mile stretch of rocky river) praying that God would give me the strength to keep leading and keep going. And he did. He continued to be sovereign. The weight of fear was overcome by the goal to just keep moving forward.
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But that experience sparked a shift in my heart. I saw how that whole situation was bigger than just getting sick and pushing through...in a way, it was my own inability to be humble that ended up with fluids being pumped into my blood stream on my birthday, instead of celebrating among canyon walls. I had pulled on water for 40 miles before getting to the evacuation point and every single ounce of the energy to make it through that came from God. But I shouldn’t have had to be dismantled to such physical weakness to finally lean into the the Lord.
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Since reflecting on those tangible lessons, I now see that I no longer should have a mindset focused on pushing through life, fighting for God’s attention...as if I need to be strong enough for him to use me. I have learned that the fight shouldn’t be in pursuit of God’s affection, it should be alongside His provision. I want to know Him. I want be mobilized by His love. And I shouldn’t have to be brought to desperation to know that He is present. He is in the midst of the air conditioning and ice cubes just as He is in the remote limestone valleys and scorching sunshine.
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Year 20 has taught me a lot. I’m grateful. So I’m here on the interwebs, proclaiming to anyone who finds these little thoughts, that I’m committed to “fighting the good fight” (2 Timothy 4) alongside you.....no longer out of the tangles of anxiety but out of the trust in knowing my Father.
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Thank you to all my sweet pals who have shaped me to be who I am now. I’m celebrating you on this birthday. I am blessed to have traversed so much space this past year. Blessed by the ones that I call family. And soooo grateful that this year is another chance to keep growing and to continue exploring. Thank you so much for all the kind birthday wishes!!
